Building Trust with Our Big Kids

The Delicate Dance

Jan 29, 2025

Trust thrives in non-judgmental spaces. Remember, your presence can be more valuable than your opinion. (Esther Goetz)

I’ll never forget the time I broke my big kid’s trust.

It was one of those moments where I let my own fears get the best of me. My daughter had been acting distant, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. In my panic, I made a decision I still regret to this day – I snooped. I looked through her diary, hoping to find some answers, but all I found was a breach of trust that would take a long time to repair.

I remember the look on her face when she found out. It was a mix of hurt, confusion, and disbelief. I felt awful. I realized in that moment that trust isn’t something we can control or demand, no matter how much we worry. It’s something we build, brick by brick, with patience and respect, and can lose one fell swoop.

Building trust with your big kid isn’t easy – it’s a delicate, ongoing dance.

I’ve asked my kids (they are mostly grownups, but always my babies of course) how they think trust is built. So these thoughts are complied and gleaned from them, and I think they have some really good stuff to say:

1. Show Up Without Judging

Budding adults are navigating a world that often feels overwhelming. (“It’s a lot sometimes, Mom!”) The more we can meet them where they are, without jumping into fix-it mode or offering unsolicited advice (OOF-this is so hard), the more we allow them to feel safe in their vulnerability. Let me say it loud and long: Trust thrives in non-judgmental spaces. Remember, your presence can be more valuable than your opinion.

2. Let Them See You Be Human

It’s easy to slip into the role of the “all-knowing” parent, but there’s incredible power in sharing your own struggles or admitting when you don’t have all the answers. Or like me, having to say you are so sorry and then slowly build it back over time tiny step by tiny step. Vulnerability breeds trust because it shows them they aren’t alone in their messiness. It lets them know it’s okay to be imperfect and still loved. Heck, they’ll break your trust (and might have already) and they will know how to navigate the rupture and repair with the foundation of unconditional love.

3. Be Consistent

Trust is built over time, and one of the best ways to reinforce it is through consistency. This doesn’t mean being perfect – that’s impossible – but rather showing up regularly, keeping your promises, and following through with your words. (TRUE STORY - “Mom, can you believe so-and-so’s parents (his friend’s parents) sometimes do not show up when they say they are going to. That’s why most of the time, we just call you to come get us.”)

4. Listen More Than You Speak

If you’re hoping to build trust, listening is just as important as talking. My kids are quick to call it out now. (“Mom, you are NOT listening! Can I just talk?”) When you listen actively, without interrupting or making judgments (this one’s so so hard), it creates space for your big kid to be heard. Like listen until they are done. And then maybe ask them questions to dive a bit deeper and then listen some more. The more they feel understood, the more likely they are to trust you with their thoughts and feelings. Coming from this chatty Cathy (sorry to all the Cathys out there), I’m preaching more to myself here than to you.

5. Set Boundaries, But Let Them Make Choices

Trust grows when big kids have room to make decisions, even if they don’t always make the choices you’d prefer. The key is to balance boundaries with autonomy. When they see you respect their ability to make choices, they begin to trust that you have faith in their judgment, too.

For example, when my son was home from college, he loved to stay out late with his friends on weekends. For the first summer, I wondered if I should set a strict curfew, thinking it was the only way to keep him safe (and get the sleep I needed). But something inside me I shouldn’t control this aspect of his life—I needed to give him the freedom to make his own decisions, while still maintaining certain non-negotiable boundaries.

So, together, we came up with an option we were both okay with. I told him that I expected and hoped he would make responsible choices, but he still needed to keep me informed about where he was and who he was with. It wasn’t about limiting his freedom—it was about mutual respect. He didn’t always make the choices I would have made and there were lots of bumps in the road and I freaked out a lot (which was not his responsibility, but my own), and over time, I loved not imposing rules on him —and instead invited him into the decision-making process.

This kind of give-and-take allows our big kids to feel empowered, while still respecting your own boundaries. It’s about finding that balance where trust can flourish and it’s different for every relationship and every kid.

It’s easy and totally normal to feel the tug-of-war between wanting to protect them and letting them go. But remember, the goal isn’t to control them—it’s to guide them with the kind of trust that gives them the strength to stand on their own.

From my heart to yours.
Esther

Question of the Day: How are you nurturing trust with your big kid? I’d love to hear your experiences, struggles, and wins. You’re not alone on this journey, and together, we can continue to grow and learn as moms of bigs.

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