The Long, Slow Untethering
what happens when your kids grow up faster than your nervous system
“There is a long middle between holding on and letting go.” (Esther Joy Goetz)
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I woke up Friday morning and did the thing I know better than to do.
I reached for my phone before I even got out of bed.
I was simply checking my bank account to see if I had been paid for some work I’d done. Nothing emotional. Nothing complicated. Just a quick glance.
Except our bank still shows all of my kids’ accounts. The ones they opened years ago when they were teenagers, under mine. We have tried to untether them. They have tried too. The bank, however, appears deeply committed to our continued togetherness.
I do not want access.
I do not need the information.
And yet, there it was, glaring back at me on my tiny screen.
That is when I saw it.
One of my son’s accounts showed no paycheck. Nothing deposited. Nothing pending.
And before I had a single rational thought, my body jumped in.
My heart started racing.
My mind took off running.
Had he been fired?
Had he quit?
What would this mean for his upcoming wedding?
Would we need to help him financially?
Should we help him financially? (I mean, that would be horrible boundaries)
In under a minute, I had gone from checking my own bank account to mentally restructuring someone else’s entire life.
All before I even had a chance to pee.
I sent him a gentle text. Just a check in. “Good morning! Hope you are doing well! I miss you! How’s it going with your proposal planning? Did you ask her parents yet? How’s work treating you?” I asked.
And then I waited.
He did not text back for about ninety minutes.
Ninety very long minutes.
Minutes where my brain ran through every possible explanation. Minutes where silence felt loaded. Minutes where past worries, old stories, and protective instincts all took turns at the microphone.
When I saw the three dots come across my screen, I braced for impact.
What was he going to say?
And guess what?!
His words were simple. He was asking her parents this weekend. Her sisters were helping him figure out all the details. Work was going great and he was getting paid Monday because the payroll system had changed. And not only that, it included his raise.
Nothing was wrong.
Nothing needed fixing.
Nothing was falling apart.
Just a delayed deposit and a mom brain that still knows exactly how to spring into action.
Here is what stayed with me afterward.
The untethering of our kids is not a single moment or decision. It is a long, uneven process that happens in layers, both practical and emotional.
It usually starts quietly.
They begin to make their own choices. (“Are you seriously only wearing a hoodie? It’s 3 degrees out!)
They become the manager of their own lives.
Most of them actually move out at some point.
We prepare for these milestones. We even celebrate them. And yet, our bodies do not always get the message at the same pace.
For years, being tethered meant being alert. Noticing changes. Anticipating needs. Preparing for what might go wrong. That kind of attentiveness was not anxiety. It was love, practiced daily.
So when the tether begins to loosen, our nervous systems do not immediately release it. They keep tugging. They keep checking the line. They stay slightly taut, just in case.
Which is why our hearts can race before our minds catch up.
Why a missing paycheck can feel like a sudden pull instead of a neutral detail.
Why part of us still leans forward when nothing is actually pulling at all.
This is not us failing to let go.
It is us living inside the slow, human work of untethering.
And if that work shows up as a racing heart on a Friday morning, it is not because something has gone wrong.
It is because the tether was once strong, necessary, and lifesaving.
Because releasing it happens gradually, not cleanly.
Because mom love does not disappear when the line loosens. It just needs a minute. And sometimes a long minute along with a deep breath.
And maybe also a reminder that not every spike in the nervous system means there is a problem to solve.
Sometimes it just means our hearts are still doing their job.
From my slow-to-untether heart to yours,
Esther
💬 Mom-to-Mom Reflection:
What’s something small that recently sent your mind into overdrive about your kid?
Or anything else you want to share, because I love comments!!
Oh Esther, this is so good! Yes for Mom’s as bigs but I can also apply it to untethering to “what use to be”, limiting beliefs, negative thoughts, even living from the Spirit as my discovery continues to evolve. Another reminder to be kind and gentle with ourselves and to remember how important kindness and patience with ourselves is apart of this non liner journey. And how kindness and compassion for ourselves comes through us to others. Blessings to all!
Yes Esther, that’s absolutely right. Worry becomes an integral part of motherhood but also demonstrates our deep care.