When They Don't Text Back
Loving Our Big Kids in the Silence
My son hasn’t texted me back. It’s been… a while. Longer than I’d like. I know he’s okay—probably. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting big kids—holding on loosely, even when every instinct wants to reach out and never let go. (Esther Joy Goetz)
Right now, as I sit here writing this, my son has not texted me back. It’s been… a while. Longer than I’d like.
I know he’s okay—probably. I haven’t received any alarming phone calls or cryptic messages from his friends. He’s just living his life, busy with whatever has captured his attention at the moment. But still, I check my phone a little too often, scanning for the read receipt (oh that’s right…he turned that off).
I have a deep-seated desire to check his bank account (still somehow tethered to mine) to see if there’s been any activity (like DoorDash, Amazon) just for proof of life, but I’m trying to put my big girl brave pants on.
I tell myself the same things I’ve told other moms. They’re building independence. They don’t always think about their phone the way we do. No news is usually good news. And yet, the waiting still tugs (okay yanks is more like it) at something deep in me.
One of the hardest transitions in parenting big kids is realizing that our urgency isn’t always theirs. We spent years responding to their every need—wiping noses, tying shoes, making sure their water bottles were filled, and their lunches packed. And for a long time, our communication was constant.
Wash your hands!
Where’s your backpack?
Dinner’s ready!
Don’t forget to let your coach know we are away that weekend!
Did you hear from that college you applied to yet?
But then, somewhere along the way, the rhythm shifts. They get their own phones, their own schedules, their own lives. And sometimes, they leave (okay, most of the time, they leave for far-off places where we don’t see their grownish faces every day). And suddenly, the conversations that once felt like second nature start feeling… optional.
For them, not for us.
It’s not that they don’t love us. It’s not even that they don’t want to talk to us. It’s just that we are no longer in their immediate orbit in the same way we once were. And while we might still reach for them with the same urgency—because, let’s be honest, they are forever our babies—they don’t always reach back in the timeframe we expect.
So what do we do with the silence?
I’ll be honest—sometimes, I fill the silence with stories. He must be mad at me. She doesn’t care. He’s avoiding me. She’s unsafe/hurt or worse. And yet, nine times out of ten, when I finally do hear from them, it’s something like:
Oh, hey. Sorry, I was in class. What’s up?
Or, worse:
Oh, I thought I responded.
Our big kids don’t experience time the way we do. For them, a missed text isn’t an act of neglect—it’s just life moving at their own pace.
So, what do we do?
Pause before panicking
It’s a universal mom experience: you send a text, hours pass, maybe even a day, and… nothing. Your mind starts spinning.
First, take a deep breath.
If your kid is generally responsible—showing up to work or school, paying their bills (mostly), and keeping their life on track—there’s a good chance that their silence has nothing to do with you. More often than not, they’re just wrapped up in their world: studying, socializing, working, or simply recharging from all the demands of being a teen or young adult.
But if they tend to go silent often, and it leaves you anxious, it might be time for a conversation about expectations. Not in a You never call me! way, but in a Hey, I’d love to know you’re okay now and then way.
Here’s a fun example:
I totally get that you’re doing your thing, but when I don’t hear from you, my mom brain invents wild stories. A simple thumbs-up emoji now and then would keep me from imagining you stranded on the side of the road.
Setting these small expectations isn’t about controlling them—it’s about building a rhythm of connection that works for both of you. Some bigs will naturally check in often, others need a bit of structure. The key is keeping it light, clear, and pressure-free.
Because at the end of the day, we want them to reach out because they want to, not because they feel obligated. And sometimes, when we pause before panicking, we realize they were never that far away to begin with.
Ask for what you need without the guilt trip.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of passive-aggressive texting when we’re feeling unheard. We wait, we check our phones, we see that little “delivered” status with no reply, and suddenly, the frustration bubbles up. So we send something like:
Wow, I guess you’re too busy for your mother now.
Glad to know you’re still alive… I think?
Must be nice to forget about the person who raised you.
And while we know these texts come from love (and maybe a little wounded ego), they don’t exactly invite warm conversation. Instead, they put our kids on the defensive—turning a simple check-in into something they have to fix instead of something they want to do.
But here’s the thing: our needs are valid. We miss them. We want to hear from them. We just need to frame it in a way that makes them want to respond instead of making them feel guilted into it.
A better approach might be:
Hey, I’d love to hear your voice sometime this week. Let me know when you have a few minutes to chat.
I know life is busy, but could we check in once a week just so I don’t worry? No pressure, just a quick hello.
I miss you! Let’s find a time to catch up soon.
These messages set a clear expectation—I’d love to hear from you—without making them feel like they’ve failed us just because they got caught up in their lives.
And honestly? They probably want to check in, too. They just need a gentle nudge, not a guilt trip.
Find other ways to connect.
Maybe texting isn’t their thing. Try sending a meme, a funny TikTok or Insta Reel, or a random Thinking of You message with no pressure for a response. Pictures of pets seem to get the biggest response. Sometimes, keeping the door open without demanding a knock is all they need.
This stuff is hard my friends. And I get it. And right now, as much as I want my son to text me back right this minute, I also want him to live a full, beautiful, independent life. And sometimes, that means he’s too busy living to update me on every detail.
So, I take a deep breath, remind myself that his silence is not a rejection, and resist the urge to send a follow-up text or check his bank account (for now).
He’ll text me back. Eventually.
And when he does, I’ll try to respond in a way that makes him want to keep the conversation going, instead of making him feel like he’s making up for lost time.
Because, at the end of the day, my goal isn’t just to get a text back—it’s to keep the connection open for the long haul.
Sending love to all the moms out there staring at their phones. You’re not alone.
Questions of the Day: Would love to hear—have you found any small changes in how you text your bigs that make a difference in keeping the conversation open?
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I am forwarding a copy of this to a friend. Her 2 sons fall neatly into your writing above. She longs for the connection. They are living their lives. It won't help to take away her feelings, but it will help her to feel less alone in them. Thanks.
Thnak you so much for writing exactly the way we feel and don't know how to express it!! Love your newsletter!!